What the WHAT?!

 

It's hard to adequately explain what it is like to finally lift the hood, peer inside the box, pay attention to the man behind the curtain.  It's like when Dorothy opens the door to her twister-ravaged Kansas home and sees the Land of Oz in color for the first time.  It's so much to take in and process. 

When I was baptized into the church at eight years old, I was (metaphorically) handed a beautifully wrapped box.  It was huge and had glitter paper and a shiny bow.  I was told it was the greatest gift I would ever receive. I was told to guard it, keep it close, keep it safe.  But I was cautioned against opening the box.  Family and friends and leaders assured me that there was no need.  I just needed to have faith that the box contained beauty and truth and light and love.  So this is what I did.  I obeyed.  The box sat, for over 30 years, unopened.  

As a faithful member of the church, you are encouraged to seek knowledge only from approved sources, ie General Conference talks, the scriptures, prayer, words of the apostles and prophets, church curriculum and magazines, and the Church website and Handbook.  If you have a question or a doubt about a piece of church history or a gospel doctrine, those are the sources you turn to for your answer.  Anything else is a secular source of knowledge and is highly frowned upon.  It's not necessarily a matter of seeking truth.  It is a matter of exercising faith.

As my shelf got too heavy and ultimately broke, I opened the glittered box with the shiny bow. I needed to know what items, laying in chaos at my feet, to put back on my shelf and what to discard.  I was actively searching for the beauty and truth and light and love that the box promised to hold.  Instead, I found only truth.  And much of the truth I found was not light or love or beauty. 

In this post, I will list things I was NEVER aware of as a fully-participating, active and engaged member of the church for over 30 years.  I will review what I was taught and what my understanding was about the particular topic and then share the truth I have since learned. I'm not going to go into great detail - there isn't space enough for all that.   As a disclaimer, I recognize that this is limited to my experience.  There are undoubtedly many members out there who will profess to have known some or all of these things; they will claim total transparency on the church's behalf.  But this is MY lived experience.  I cannot possibly put them in the order of when I learned them...I was drinking from a firehose. 

I am attaching links that will contain sourcing and references that support the truth claim - this is provided by LDS Discussions.com, because it is an EXCELLENT and THOROUGH resource.

Polygamy

I was taught:  that Joseph Smith had one wife, Emma, whom he loved and adored above all.  Brigham instituted polygamy and married 50+ wives and encouraged a handful of other righteous brethren to do the same because there were so many women left widowed by the arduous trek across the plains to Utah.  Polygamy was practiced only for a short time, and for the sake of the widowed women.  It was done away with in 1890 and is no longer a part of LDS doctrine.

The truth: 

• Joseph instituted polygamy, as early as 1831, marrying and being sealed to upwards of 20 women before being sealed to his precious Emma.  He hid almost all of these marriages from Emma.  He married other men's wives.  In many instances, he didn't tell them, either. He married teenagers, including at least two 14-year olds.  He did not record the revelation on plural marriage until 1843, 12 years after he was living the principle.  Several weeks before he was killed, he publicly denied having more than one wife to the members of the church and he never shared the principle publicly, only in private. 
• Brigham followed suit.  He publicly declared the principle in 1852.  He married over 50 women and fathered a similar number of children.  When sending missionaries over to Europe, no mention was ever made of polygamy.  Young women arrived in Zion, hoping for a bright future, only to find themselves fought over to be a plural wife.  Heber C. Kimball stated to prospective foreign missionaries:  "Brethren, I want you to understand that it is not to be as it has been heretofore.  The brother missionaries have been in the habit of picking out the prettiest women for themselves before they get here, and bringing on the ugly ones for us; hereafter you have to bring them all here before taking any of them, and let us all have a fair shake". 
• Polygamy remains an eternal principle of the LDS church.  Men can be sealed to more than one woman 'in the eternities' and women can only be sealed to one.  Brigham Young taught: "The only men who become Gods, even the Sons of God, are those who enter into polygamy."  It's still here. 

Polygamy and Polyandry

 

Book of Abraham

I was taught: I don't even know.  I never understood the Book of Abraham, with the scrolls and the facsimiles and the Egyptian hieroglyphs.  I could never wrap my head around what these ancient Egyptian papers had to do with Mormonism.  I cannot claim to ever have had a solid understanding of this book.  The general understanding, however, is that Joseph obtained these papers from a traveling showman and then claimed to translate these scrolls and papers from Egyptian and pronounced them to be written by Abraham himself, giving the church additional canonized scripture.  

The truth:  Not possible.  Everyone agrees.  Even LDS historians.  The scrolls are funerary texts, very common. He didn't translate them.  If he did, he got it all wrong. He got the facsimiles all wrong.  Just wrong, wrong, wrong. 

The Book of Abraham

Joseph's Treasure Digging

I was taught:  Nothing. 

The truth: Joseph Smith acquired his first peep/seer stone "probably in 1822 when he was sixteen years old".  (Vogel, Early Mormon Documents 1:457)  Eventually Joseph Smith would obtain three peep/seer stone, and this would lead him to become "an aggressive, ambitious leader among Manchester's treasure seekers."  (Dan Vogel, Joseph Smith: The Making of a Prophet, 35)  Joseph Smith used these stones in the exact same method that he would later claim to locate the plates and translate the Book of Mormon with.  He conducted at least 18 treasure digs between 1822-1827, and in 1826 was put on trial for it.    

Oh - and he never found anything.  No treasure. 

This is also when I learned that Joseph used the seer stone to translate the Book of Mormon.  I had grown up believing he had the plates in front of him and he read them and translated them.  Nope.  He put the rock in his hat and dictated it.  The plates weren't even in the same room much of the time. 

Joseph Smith & Treasure Digging

I know what you are thinking... How did you NOT know any of this stuff?  You were an active member in this organization!  I cannot stress enough the stigma that is associated with looking at ANYTHING that was not approved by the church.  Outside sources were demonized, and if you looked at them, you were flirting with apostasy. 

Word of Wisdom

I was taught:  Joseph Smith received a revelation that stated coffee, tea, alcohol, tobacco are bad for you and are forbidden.  Today, if you don't obey this principle, blessings will be withheld: temple entrance, baptism, certain callings, missionary service...because it is THAT important.

The truth:  Early church members almost all drank coffee, tea and alcohol - including the prophet that revealed the Word of Wisdom, Joseph himself.  In fact, Joseph drank wine on the day he died, which was a full decade after the revelation was recorded.  The packing list for the saints headed west include both coffee and tea.  Brigham Young didn't consider the revelation a commandment until 1851, and even then it was not enforced.  He owned and profited from the Salt Lake City distillery. Church members continued to smoke and use tobacco for almost 70 years after the revelation.  I'm not saying these are bad people because they partook of these things.  I'm pointing out the omission of this information from all my learning in the gospel.  I get it - it's not faith-promoting.  It causes people to doubt the veracity and importance of the principle.  But learning it late is also problematic.  I spent decades avoiding coffee and tea as though they were crack cocaine.  I was asked during every interview with a priesthood leader if I obeyed the Word of Wisdom.  I was witness to some girls getting punished at Girls Camp for bringing a Red Bull.  Only to learn that early leaders were getting wasted on wine in the Kirtland Temple.  It's not honest.

Word of Wisdom

Racism

I was taught: Of course I was taught that racism is wrong.  I was taught that we were all created in the image of God.  I was taught that we should all be treated the same.  I was taught that God's church is open to everyone.  I had some serious cognitive dissonance when I learned about the priesthood and temple ban, but I told you earlier how I shelved that one.  I never thought, for a moment, that I was a member of a church with racist roots. 

The truth:  The verbiage and rhetoric of our early church leaders leaves little doubt as to their racist ideas and how they influenced both doctrine and policy in the church.  That's the nicest way I can find to say it.  I'm simply going to leave these quotes here:

Prophet Brigham Young:

“Shall I tell you the law of God in regard to the African race? If the white man who belongs to the chosen seed mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of God, is death on the spot. This will always be so."

"I will remark with regard to slavery, inasmuch as we believe in the Bible, inasmuch as we believe in the ordinances of God, in the Priesthood and order and decrees of God, we must believe in slavery. This colored race have been subjected to severe curses... I am not authorized to remove it. I am a firm believer in slavery." 

Apostle George Q. Cannon:

"The question also came up whether a white man who was married to a woman having negro blood in her veins could receive the Priesthood.... a man bearing the Priesthood who should marry or associate with a negress, or one of that seed, if the penalty of the law were executed upon him, he and her and the offspring would be killed; that it was contrary to the law of God for men bearing the Priesthood to have association with that seed. "

Apostle George F. Richards:

"The negro is an unfortunate man. He has been given a black skin... I cannot conceive our Father consigning his children to a condition such as that of the negro race, if they had been valiant in the spirit world in that war in heaven."

Apostle J. Reuben Clark:

"It is sought today in certain quarters to break down all race prejudice, and at the end of the road, which they who urge this see, is intermarriage...but do not ever let that wicked virus get into your systems that brotherhood either permits or entitles you to mix races which are inconsistent. Biologically, it is wrong; spiritually, it is wrong."

Prophet George A. Smith:

“From the days of the Prophet Joseph even until now, it has been the doctrine of the Church, never questioned by any of the Church leaders, that the Negroes are not entitled to the full blessings of the Gospel...We are not unmindful of the fact that there is growing tendency, particularly among some educators, as it manifests itself in this area, toward the breaking down of race barriers in the matter of intermarriage between whites and blacks, but it does not have the sanction of the Church and is contrary to Church doctrine.”

Apostle Joseph F. Smith:

“I would not want you to believe that we bear any animosity toward the Negro. ‘Darkies’ are a wonderful people, and they have their place in our church.” 

​"Not only was Cain called upon to suffer, but because of his wickedness he became the father of an inferior race."

Elder Ezra Taft Benson:

"There is no doubt that the so-called civil rights movement as it exists today is used as a Communist program for revolution in America just as agrarian reform was used by the Communists to take over China and Cuba."

Elder BH Roberts:

“That the negro is markedly inferior to the Caucasian is proved both craniologically and by six thousand years of planet-wide experimentation..."

Apostle Mark E. Petersen:

“If that Negro is faithful all his days, he can and will enter the celestial kingdom. He will go there as a servant, but he will get a celestial resurrection."

Historian D. Michael Quinn:

‘In 1953, a First Presidency secretary also informed a white Mormon about the less-obvious extent of Utah’s racial segregation: “The L.D.S. Hospital here in Salt Lake City has a blood bank which does not contain any colored blood.” According to presidency counselor J. Reuben Clark, this policy of segregating African-American blood from the blood donated by so-called “white people” was intended “to protect the purity of the blood streams of the people of this Church.”’ 

Upon learning more about the racism in the early church, I was of course curious how members who were aware of it, who maybe had lived through some of it, dealt with it. The overwhelming response is essentially, "Well, everyone was racist then".  Great excuse.  Awesome.  It makes me think of the old adage my mom used to say to me: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?  Apparently, the church would. 

The church has formally disavowed all these racist thoughts and ideas I have presented here.  They've essentially said, "Yeah, we know they were prophets and apostles and we tell you to listen to and obey every word they say, but these guys had it wrong - they are only human after all.  Let's just move on."  

Well, I'm calling bullshit.  For a church that claims to have all the truth on the earth and to have the ONE mouthpiece for God, I'm going to go out on a limb and say they should have known better.  Good people were fighting against racism, even in the 1830's.  The church was simply on the wrong side of history on this one. 

Church Wealth

I was taught:  The church collects tithes and offerings from the members and then turns around and uses the funds to build church buildings, temples, help the needy, provide humanitarian aid, subsidize church schools and pay church employees.  

The truth:  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds an investment fund worth around $124 billion dollars (in 2020) called Ensign Peak.  They created a system of more than a dozen shell companies to make their investments harder to track.  They got caught.  They were fined $5 million by the SEC in 2023.  Ensign Peak admitted that the church doesn't tell its members about the fund because they know members aren't going to keep paying tithing if they knew the church is sitting on so much money.  Latter-day Saint officials acknowledged that it used Ensign funds to underwrite construction of City Creek Center mall in downtown Salt Lake City and rescue Beneficial Life, a church-owned insurance company.   

The church has been literally taking active steps to obfuscate their financial dealings.  They give away less than they require their members to give.  As LDS Discussions so poignantly put it: ...imagine that you had a health emergency and couldn't pay the bills, because instead of creating a rainy day account of your own, you gave that money to the church and now have to rely on family and friends to bail you out because your money is now sitting in the church's investment portfolio?"

Ouch.  

This truth held a particular sting for  me.  My parents struggled all their Mormon lives to pay their tithing, all the while raising seven kids and paying mountains of medical bills.  Their faith and their integrity cost them a temple recommend, when they could no longer make ends meet and could not pay a full tithe.  That cost them attendance at their first grandchild's temple marriage.  All the while, the mountain of money the church was sitting on continued to grow.

Ensign Peak

Brigham Young

I was taught:  He was the second prophet of the church, following Joseph.  He led the Saints west and established Zion in Utah, organizing what is now one of the great cities of the West.  He practiced polygamy and was such an influential figure that the church's universities bear his name.  

The truth: If I want to be polite, I will simply say he was a less than kind and charitable man.  To put it bluntly, he was an ass.  I would encourage you to read Brigham Young: Pioneer Prophet by John G. Turner and Wife No. 19 by Ann Eliza Young.  He may have been a staunch believer, but he had an iron fist and he did not rule with love.  He instituted the Blood Atonement, a principle that essentially allowed for apostates to be killed; the church has since disavowed that.  He taught that Adam was God; also disavowed.  He disbanded the Relief Society after Joseph's death, in large part due to his hatred of Emma.  He married women and sent them to live and work on his dairy farm.  Short of calling him a racist, which I believe he was (everyone was, right? so it's okay), he was more than happy to apply for statehood as a slave state.  He took the priesthood away from black men.  He instilled such fear and hatred of outsiders into the people in the region, it resulted in the murder of 120 members of the Baker-Fancher emigration party at Mount Meadows - including women and any children over 7.  He later blamed the whole affair on his "adopted" son, John Lee, who was convicted and shot by firing squad for it.  If you take the time to read the Journal of Discourses, you will see what kind of man Brigham was.  I'm embarrassed that I went to a university bearing his name. 

Mountain Meadows Massacre

I was taught:  Nothing.  Nada.  A group comprised almost exclusively of Mormons murders an innocent party of over 100 emigrants in cold blood, and under a white flag of truce - and I have never heard a word about it during my 30+ years in the church. 

The truth:  (Taken from The Smithsonian Magazine, Feb 29, 2012) "The Baker-Fancher party was camped at Mountain Meadows on September 7 when Paiutes (and some Mormons dressed as Paiutes to conceal their Mormon affiliation) attacked. The emigrants circled the wagons, dug trenches and fought back—but as the siege continued for five days, they began to run out of ammunition, water and provisions. The Mormon attackers concluded that the emigrants had figured out their ruse—and feared that word of their participation would hasten an assault by the Army. It was then that militia commander William H. Dame ordered his men to leave no witnesses. The emigrants were to be “decoyed out and destroyed with the exception of the small children,” who were “too young to tell tales,” according to another militia commander, Major Higbee, who relayed the orders to Lee.
"On September 11, John D. Lee and a group of militiamen approached the camp under a white flag and offered a truce, with assurances that Lee and his men would escort the emigrants to safety in Cedar City. All they’d have to do is leave their livestock and possessions to the Paiutes. Having no good options, the emigrants, about 120 men, women and children, laid down their weapons and followed Lee and the militia away from the camp in three groups—the last comprising adult males. It was over quickly. The Arkansas men were shot at point-blank range; the women and children ahead were slaughtered by bullets and arrows in an ambush party. No one over the age of seven survived. The victims were hastily buried. Locals auctioned off or distributed their possessions and took in the surviving 17 young children."

I understand the hesitancy to teach this story in Sunday School.  It's not uplifting.  But it happened.  And to not tell the story is to dishonor the memory of those 120 people that died for no reason.  I was taught the story of the Haun's Mill massacre, where Mormons were murdered, countless times.  If Mormons are allowed to recount every time they were victimized, then they had better be damn sure to tell about the time they not only victimized, but murdered, 120 innocent people. 

Masonic theme in the temple endowment

I was taught:  Another big NOTHING. 

The truth:  Almost every aspect of the endowment ceremony is taken from Masonry. Joseph took the signs, tokens, penalties, symbols, washing and anointing, new name, and clothing from the Masonic ceremony.  So - all of that stuff that made me so uncomfortable when I went through the temple, so uncomfortable that I shelved it and avoided the experience altogether for 30 years...yeah, none of that was divine.  It came from the secret club that Joseph had just joined just a couple of months prior.  

Temple endowment & Masonry

Second Anointing

I was taught:  Guess.  You got it.  Nothing. 

The truth:  Apparently, there is a rare temple ordinance whereby a person has his or her 'calling and election made sure', or in other words, that person knows for sure that they will obtain godhood upon death. It is reserved for the elite of the elite in the church and it is very secretive.  Not weird at all, right?   It consists of two parts, the first being a washing and anointing of the body by an officiator and the second being a private ceremony between husband and wife, where the wife symbolically prepares her husband for death and resurrection.  Those who receive this ordinance are charged not to tell anyone. 

I did not learn of this ordinance until I had decided to leave the church and  I listened to a Mormon Stories podcast featuring Tom Phillips.  He told his second anointing story and I was captivated. 

BYU & Conversion Therapy

I was taught:  Nobody was taught anything on this.  For good reason.  Even today, top church leaders deny their involvement. 

The truth:  Gay aversion research utilizing electroshocks was conducted at BYU in the 1970s. Fourteen volunteers, each of whom reported "unwanted homosexual desires," were shown images of clothed and nude males and asked to fantasize about the images. Mildly painful electric shocks, at levels set by the subject, were delivered. There are reports of the Honor Code Office (then called the Standards Office) giving students the option to participate in therapy with private practitioners or be expelled from BYU. The Church published an internal guide in 1973 that directed Church leaders to require people experiencing homosexuality to disclose their sexual partners. There are also reports that BYU coerced students into reporting names of other gay students or they would be expelled. In a 2007 speech made at an Affirmation conference, Connell O'Donovan stated "[The BYU McBride study] started out with 16 Gay male BYU students and staff, but two committed suicide during the experiment, so the study only ended up with 14 subjects."

I understand that conversion therapy was a method used in the '70's to 'cure' homosexuality; other universities also participated in these types of programs.  I also understand that the practice has since stopped.  But for this type of 'therapy' to go on at BYU, the Lord's University, and under the threat of expulsion - that is a whole new level of inexcusable.  And then, to have Dallin Oaks stand in front of a bunch of law students and DENY that he was president when it was going on - a blatant LIE - only makes the experiences these 14 men had more invisible than they already were. 

BYU Electroshock Documentary

There really isn't room enough for all that I have learned since leaving the church.  Learning all of these things and more led to my ultimate exit from the church.