What do I regret?

There is so much to regret when you have spent your life in a high-demand religion.  And regret is uncomfortable.  But I think it is how we become changed and become better people.  We need to know when we have done something wrong, recognize it, grow from it, and become better.  I don't have a long list of regrets, but I do have them. 

I regret ignoring my inner voice for so long.  I feel like there were several times when my soul, my very being, was trying to tell me something, shout at me, and I ignored it...choosing instead to listen to people around me that told me they knew what was best for me.  

I regret raising my four children in the church.  I never served a mission and never converted anyone to the gospel, but I did convert each of my children, and without their consent.  Each of them, as adults, has had to unpack and process something from their time as active members.  Some of them more than others.  

I regret raising a gay son in the church.  One of my all-time biggest regrets.  The anguish that our belief system must have caused in this precious human is really hard for me to stomach and reconcile.  I know it caused him real despair and sorrow, and I will always regret that. 

I regret allowing my parents to sit outside the temple while my firstborn son was married.  

I regret the self-righteous judgement that I know I exercised on others.  

I regret the connections with other humans that I never made - because they were outside my tight circle of Mormon community. 

I regret the time I lost to church service.  I am not opposed to serving, but I spent was must collectively be months, maybe years, serving outside of my family, and often when I had very young children at home. I used vacation time only to spend it away from my family, serving the church.  I spent evenings, after working a long day, away from my family.  I know what you are thinking.  I didn't have to do it.  And that is true.  But when you are called to do something - called by divine inspiration I might add - and you accept, the service becomes your duty, your job.  And you do it.  And I did. 

I regret the years and years of conforming.  Instead of embracing the uniqueness of me, I sought to conform and be true to other's values rather than my own.  I tried to dress like them, talk like them, decorate my home like them, dress my kids like them, serve like them, worship like them, BE like them.  

I DO NOT REGRET LEAVING.  Since that day, despite any pain or sorrow or loneliness or confusion that has ensued, I have never ONCE regretted my decision to leave.  I know in my bones that it was the right thing to do.  I know it with more certainty and confidence than I ever knew the gospel to be true.  Leaving has been MY spiritual witness, my testimony, my change of heart.  

It has added color to my world.