Now what?

 

Autonomy.

That's what. 

The ability to self-govern according to the values endorsed by ME.  Not my parents, not my peers, not my husband, not my priesthood leaders, not my 'prophet'.  Me.  Adina.  I govern myself. 

Getting here has not been easy.  

Just because I have signed a piece of paper that removes my name from the records of the church does NOT mean that I have left the church in the dust.  It is still there.  It is this mountain in the rearview mirror, looming at times, lingering.  It is getting smaller and smaller in that mirror, but it is still there.  Forty years of active membership doesn't just go away.  While I don't practice the religion anymore or subscribe to any of its' teachings, I do find myself continually wanting to learn more about the history and doctrine of the church. I want to hear other people's stories and experiences.  I can't really explain why.  Maybe it's because it was such a huge part of my identity and learning more helps me to understand why I stayed for so long.  Maybe it is morbid curiosity.  Maybe it is reassuring to hear that I am not alone.  Maybe it serves as a hit and fuels my indignation.  Maybe I am just deconstructing and this is a step along that path.   It doesn't really matter.  What matters is that I am listening to myself for the first time, and I am giving weight to the voice inside of me that is guiding me, rather than shushing it.  

My hope is that by writing all these thoughts and feelings down, having them recorded somewhere, I will be able to make that mountain in my rearview mirror just a little bit smaller each day, until eventually I don't see it at all.  

Authenticity    - by alysha waghorn

Darling, you cannot hide yourself and expect to be seen.  Remove the masks and free your mind, body and soul from anything that does not align with your very being.  Go ahead and dig through the layers of everything you've learnt and everything you've experienced and everything you've been told to be so that you may discover who you are, re-discover who you are.  Be vulnerable.  Show up for yourself, as yourself, and watch how the Universe rewards your bravery, your honesty, your strength.  In a world constantly asking you to be something you are not, one of the bravest things you will ever do is allow your intrinsic self to shine through.  Step into your truth.  Rid yourself of expectations, limitations, of the need for external validation.  Be honest with yourself.  Do what feels right for you, what feels good for you.  You only get one chance at this little thing called life.  Let your light bleed into this world.  It doesn't need another copy of someone else.  It needs you.  

Just as you are.